#WordEyeHeard Presents: Top 5 Artists Who Must be in the Illuminati [COMEDY]

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We’ve all heard the rumors of the secret society that supposedly exists. The most powerful entertainers are said to be members of the Illuminati. This society looks out for its people; they remain successful, they stay out of trouble, and always bounce back from controversy. I don’t care whether it exists or not, but I hear members have to have a “blood sacrifice.” In other words, someone close to them must die before they can join. So I hope none of my friends put in their application.

Anywho, if this society does exist, it’s clear that the Illuminati looks out for its people, because these artists wouldn’t have made it otherwise. Who am I talking about….?

#WordEyeHeard Presents: Top 5 Artists Who Must be in the Illuminati

5. Trey Songz

This doesn’t come as a shocker, does it? Come on, this guy has to have some help. When we first met his fine ass him, he was a cornrow-sporting, skinny lil light-skinned dude singing about making it out of the hood. And even though those braids didn’t have any hangtime, we loved him. He seemed so sincere.

Then, that second album came out. Trey Day was just as good as the first one. A little sexier, slightly more mature…but still Trey.

He was on a roll!

But as great as his music was, Trey was still kind of an underdog. What did our beloved Trey need to do to get to the top…?

Cut his hair?

Go to the gym…?

Make a song with Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy.

This….was the beginning of the end.

Trey’s career now ONLY focused on club bangers and sex songs. Problem was, the bangers didn’t bang, and there are only so many ways you can say “girl let’s have sex” before it sounds the same.

Trigga Trey’s music has gotten progressively worse since he cut those braids off.

But somehow…he keeps on winning!

“Invented Sex” was only dope because he was doing it in the video. “Can’t be Friends” was eh…okay. And “Heart Attack” was awful.

How do you explain someone with horrible music who keeps getting more and more popular…?

Oh. Oh yea.

Well they must be on the Illuminati waiting list.

Trey Songz must be in the Illuminati, because anyone who had :-) in a song title and is still winning, can’t be doing it alone.

4. Joe Jackson

The father of Michael, Janet, Rebe, LaToya, Jermaine….all them lil bastards from Gary, Indiana…is still alive and kicking. He beat his children into stardom, collected his fee, and got all the hoes. He cheated on his wife, she left, and came back.

I know you remember that part in the movie…

Well anywho, he’s the father of the most famous man to ever live, besides maybe Jesus, and even after MJ’s death, the man is still relevant.

After Michael died, Joe made several appearances to talk about his son’s music and legacy. When asked what his favorite MJ song was, he said:

The one talkin about the urf [earth] and the twees [trees]

Yea. He said that.

He has a new singing group, a cologne, and a new girlfriend.

He even flashed a gun to a crowd, saying he needed it for protection. Can he even squeeze the trigger?

When I look Joe Jackson in the eyes, I know he must there must be a driving force behind him keeping him in the spotlight.

Joe Jackson must be in the Illuminati, because his face obviously tells us that he died 37 years ago, yet he’s still on the Earth. I’ve never seen so much elastic in one’s face!  Is it me, or does he look like a pug puppy?

He still gets his eyebrows arched,

he keeps his Lebron hairline together,

and he still gets hoes.

So the Illuminati let Michael Jackson die and really die, but we gotta deal with Joe Jackson’s decrepit, rotting corpse until the end of time??

I’m ripping up my application.

3. Lil Wayne

Lil Wayne has lived a very questionable life. From drugs, to lawsuits, to sexual decisions…the Illuminati must be working overtime to keep him in a positive light.

Wayne is to the point now where he feels he can do anything he wants to. It’s obvious. Hemade a song with Paris Hilton!

But I think Lil Wayne’s biggest goal in life really is to smash every woman on the face of the earth. He has enough kids to prove his little soldiers march, and he has enough money to take care of them all.

Now let’s run down all of Lil Wayne’s baby mamas, in chronological order:

There’s Toya, who’s also his ex-wife, who had Reginae:

(She gets credit because she got pregnant at like, 14 or something. And she went on to star in 2 reality series and open a boutique in New Orleans.)

Then came Sara, the girl with no job, who had Dewayne Michael Carter III:

I hear none of the other baby mamas like her because she ain’t got no job.

Then came actress Lauren London, who gave birth to Cameron Carter:

Yes…the movie and tv actress Lauren London allowed Lil Wayne to skeet in her.

But we’ll get back to that.

And finally, there’s Nivea, who used to be a singer and used to be married to The Dream, who had Neal Nash, not too long after Lauren’s son was born:

Yea…she through.

But back to Lauren. Has she seen his FACE?!?

It’s bad enough to have to look in his face on television, but to see him in person? That might make me go blind! And yet the beautiful, semi-talented Lauren London had sexual relations with him??

Having unprotected sex with Lil Wayne is like flushing your self-esteem, self-respect, and clean vagina down the toilet.

Seriously….y’all see something I don’t….? Doesn’t Wayne kinda look like….

But to still get chicks after kissing 2 different dudes in the mouth…..?

That one’s a little queestionable.

But this one isn’t.

Watch the video:

Here’s what Lil Wayne has to say about kissing Birdman:

I’m the only person he kiss.

The video:

Bow Wow never kissed Jermaine Dupre…Bieber never kissed Usher….but Lil Wayne is claiming Birdman like that’s his boo!

Lil Wayne must be in the Illuminati, because there is no other artist who can openly kiss men and still bag bad chicks.

Well….except Frank Ocean.

2. Nicki Minaj

When Nicki Minaj was introduced to the masses, she was lyrical, catchy, pretty…she had all the makings of a star, and became one very quickly. That first album was amazing!

But then….the inevitable haters came out, ready to remove Nicki from the throne. Lil Kim tried and failed, several times….and the others aren’t even worth mentioning.

But all they could say was, “she stole my style….she can’t rhyme….she’s fake…”

Wait…she’s fake…? What do they mean?

Her makeup?

Her butt?

No….I think they were talking about this….

Who is that??

Oh, you didn’t know Nicki used to be a boy….?

Yea.

Before the makeup, wigs, and superstardom, Nicki Minaj was Remy Ma’s boyfriend.

Nicki must be in the Illuminati, because the truth was exposed, and she’s still winning! Most people are okay with lesbians, but not butch women. Nicki was not only a butch, but openly spoke about “eating Remy’s box.” And she’s still on ‘American Idol,’ has her own fragrance, nail polish, and is working on a clothing line.

So that’s why Queen Latifah keeps winning….

1. Kanye West

Kanye West has always been an arrogant a-hole, but it was okay because his music was so refreshing! The College Dropout spit from his soul, and made beats that sounded like nothing else.

And that adorable bear he put on the front of all his albums? Precious.

But then, Kanye lost his mind.

Understandably so; his mother passed away, and he never shied away from telling the world how much Ms. Donda West meant to him.

He cut his hair funny,

Started wearing even crazier clothes,

And started dating a mute stripper, who’s only recently learned to talk.

But the defining moment of his career…?

You remember the MTV VMA’s don’t you?

He broke the heart of White America’s sweetheart, and didn’t feel bad about it.

He was boo’d, talked down upon, and hated by mostly everyone at this point.

His career should have been over, right…?

Nope.

Out of nowhere, he and Jay-Z dropped a successful album, embarked on a highly successful tour, and Ye was the man again.

To solidify his place in White America, he started dating the most well-known white woman (excuse me, ARMENIAN…) in America.

And hes not just dating the ho girl, he’s entered White America’s living room with guest appearances on Keeping Up with the Kardashians!

Not only was he on the episode, but he completely Ike Turner’s Kim, making her throw her clothes out and get a new wardrobe.

Pimpin.

Kanye West must be in the Illuminati, because he told America “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” then made Taylor Swift cry….and is still on top.

I’m lilD, and that’s the Word Eye Heard. Where do I sign up???

via TheWordEyeHeard

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