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Dear Men Who Wear Too Much Cologne,

Stop it. It’s really that simple. I could leave it at that but I feel compelled to expound, not only for entertainment purposes but also for the sake of educating you about how much is too much when it comes to the toilet water.

Since you tend to use an excessive amount of cologne, I’m assuming you understand the vitally important role smell plays in a woman’s likelihood to continue speaking to you, give you her number, invite you to come upstairs, accept your marriage proposal and allow you to become the father of her children. I’ve heard a woman say that the best thing about men is the way they smell. While I wouldn’t go that far, it’s been scientifically proven that a good smelling man automatically earns one and a half bonus points on the attractiveness scale. Why? Well, I don’t know. But I do know this: seeing as men invest far less time, energy and effort into their overall appearance, the least they can do is take the time to smell good. But as you may know, one can have too much of a good thing. Sadly, since your father, brothers, uncles, cousins and homeboys failed to warn you; I must let you know that this is especially true when it comes to cologne.

Any woman will tell you cologne is best when you have to get closer to smell it. Its job is to lure me in. In other words, I want a whiff not a wallop. So that means 4 squirts instead of 14. If you’re not a numbers person, remember this little tidbit: If you can literally taste your cologne after you’ve applied it, strip down, hit the shower for approximately 2 minutes and 15 seconds and try again. You’ve done too much.

You may ask which clueless man inspired such a letter. Regretfully, it hasn’t been just one person. It happens quite often; but most recently, yesterday with a man who called himself trying to holla. He shook my hand and held it for entirely too long. Once I had gotten home I noticed that there was a lingering smell in my palm. Dis-gust-ting. Being the germaphobe that I am, I was very offended by the fact that he made me take a bit of him into the sacred space that is my home. I had to wash my hands twice to rid myself of the smell.

Before him I was often the victim of nasal assault on my college campus. Man-boys who’d decided to forgo a shower, thought it appropriate to spray cologne over their funk. But you know something? That just smells like a long stemmed rose surrounded by a pile of week old dog poo. Don’t be the rose like really smells like boo boo. Shower first. And if you can’t shower, just go foul. I assure you, your natural body musk is better than the double whammy.

I hope we’ve all learned something here today. I expect that you all will govern yourselves accordingly.



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