This becomes a vicious cycle, completely emotionally exhausting. Over time, it looks like love addiction. Unable to bond in a healthy way, this couple bonds in an addictive way; I can’t live with you and I can’t live without you.
The draw to this kind of guy is powerful for women who are trying to heal their own childhood wounds. Deep down, she wants to bring him out of the darkness of his wounded soul, draw him into the light and heal him. By so doing, she proves something to herself — that she is special and worthy of the attention, love and desires of this compelling man. There’s just one tiny problem: it doesn’t work.
Contrary to fantasy fiction, you cannot heal the wounded guy with love. He needs several swift emotional kicks in the butt. He needs loads of “tough love,” not the “sweet, I-adore-you” kind of love you want to give him. His healing cannot come from you being his Mommy, the one he didn’t have before.
He needs to hit rock bottom and experience a dramatic loss before he can begin to heal. The pain of doing what he’s always done has to be greater than the pain of change. Because his wounds have compelled him to do so much damage, he needs to experience remorse. There are other steps, but they are best taken in a therapeutic setting, not in the course of a relationship. Big clue: most of them never do heal because they don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to be hurt enough to have to change.