5 Things KimYe Will Have To Explain To Their Offspring

If you say you haven’t been following Kim Kardashian and Kanye West‘s pregnancy, I’m going to assume you’re lying because you’re afraid that one of the homies might hear you. On the contrary, we ALL have been drafted to bear witness to what may be the most talked about celebrity event this year (next to anything Stevie J says). KimYe hasn’t been very vocal or too public about the pregnancy, but you’ve seen all the pictures floating around the interwebs; Kim’s getting huge and Kanye looks depressed. At this point, we all have invested time and energy into this madness, so we might as well ride until the wheels fall off.

Kim and Kanye will undoubtedly have their hands full, and if they’re smart, they’ll begin the kid’s journey with these five things they’ll have to (eventually) explain to their offspring…

Why Mommy Is Famous

As a father, I’ve had to explain a lot of my radical behavior and odd-ball decisions to my kids. However, nothing could possibly come close to having a conversation about starring in a pornographic film. I can’t even imagine how that exchange would begin. Best believe that this is a talk that they MUST have with the kid at a fairly early age, unless they want him/her to find out about the sex tape on the playground of its elementary school. Or worse, see it by accident whilst searching the interwebs with friends one day. Worst case scenario; she could blame it on the alcohol, word to Jamie Foxx.

Why Daddy Wears Lady Clothes

I’ve done some questionable things in my life. Some of which were even caught on film. However, there’s a then line between “questionable” and utterly insane. Now, Kanye isn’t the first rap star to dress-up in ladies clothing, but that factoid will be pointless to a kid who sees pictures of daddy in a dress. (Technically, it was a kilt, but you say “tomato,” I say “mini-skirt.”) I know that – as a kid – if I saw my dad wearing a skirt in public, regardless of his occupation, he’d have to convince me that he wasn’t an undercover transvestite or professional cross-dresser. Parenting isn’t easy, & sexually confusing haberdashery is only going to make it harder.

“Who Is Ray J?”

Reggie Bush. Kris Humpheries. Ray J. All these names are synonymous with one thing: boning Kim Kardashian. No matter what she does, she will forever be attached to these men, especially Ray J. Ray is the scorned lover that we all have, who refuses to acknowledge that we’ve moved on and just as equally refuses to see us happy without them. I predict that Ray J will never let go of his past with Kim, and the happier she appears without him, the harder he will try to publicly throw monkeywrenches in her life. If you think Hit It First was a cry for momentum-less attention, wait until he writes a movie about the movie they made in 2007.

Why They Aren’t Married…Yet

Kids are smart. Though they may not always display it, the propensity to figure things out is a natural ability God gives to all his children. At some point, kids know that mommy and daddy aren’t husband and wife, and it’ll be hard to make excuses for never being married when life has afforded you every other luxury that money can buy. God forbid the kid stumbles onto Kim’s sex tape before the parental unit gets to explain why they aren’t married. In that case, the kid could eventually perceive Mommy as merely a sausage receptacle, & it’s self-esteem may be shot to hell. And not for nothing, but the last thing we need is another traumatized child celebrity in our midst.

Bruce Jenner’s Plastic Surgery

Bruce Jenner is Kim’s stepdad and was famous in the 70s for being a gold medal-winning athlete. He finagled that exposure into television land and the business world. Apparently, he spent a sizable chunk of his lifetime earnings on extensively, repeatedly reconstructing his face, and today, he (sort of) looks like he did forty years ago. In all seriousness, though, much like a lot of Hollywood’s nip and tuck victims recipients, Bruce’s plastic surgery looks man-made and a little bit frightening. He could easily give the kid nightmares. He’s kinda scary to me, and I’m a grown man. Some say that Kim’s physique is medically enhanced, and if that holds any truth, the conversation on why people purchase new body parts should be a relatively easy one.