14 Rappers Softer Than Twinkies

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Guess who’s back. No, I’m not talking about Jay-Z. And not Kanye, either. I’m talking about America’s favorite snack manufacturer, Hostess! So those of you whose ~~munchies~~ appetites have been missing Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and Donettes can once again rest easy knowing that your favorite sticky tidbits of sweet delight will be back on store shelves quicker than you can ignore your blood sugar levels.

In honor of Hostess’ return to the pimping and pandering of dyes and starch and glucose – and in no particular order – here are 14 rappers who are softer than Twinkies.

Ace Hood

Ace Hood appeared on the BET Awards rocking an iced-out watch that decided to commit suicide on camera. No biggie. However, telling the world that he’s going to fire his jeweler is like telling the Internet that your girl cheated on you; a set up for humiliation and totally unnecessary. He would’ve been better off threatening his jeweler’s life over that (for record sale purposes if nothing else).

Drake

Drake makes rap songs for dudes who Google-search their ex-girlfriends and then lurk their Facebook page. The fact that he’s beefed with Chris Brown, who beefed with Frank Ocean and Rihanna, takes him to new heights of “keeping it real.” I fully believe that his crooning about not needing any new friends is really a cry for companionship, but that’s neither here nor there. Wait, actually, it’s right here.

Bow Wow

Bow Wow is internationally known, so when he found his way to Young Money Records I assumed he’d aggressively take the opportunity for renewed stardom and run with it. But that didn’t happen. Instead, he let Birdman diss him (“I forgot he was signed to us.”) and basically stopped rapping to shuck and jive for BET. At this point in his life, he’s possibly king of the weed carriers. It’s not about the money, folks, it’s the principle. And he still hasn’t dropped a YMCMB album.

Kanye West

Like I stated previously on this awesome website, Kanye West is a genius. And with all his public outbursts and temper tantrums, some may have expected him to react harshly when Ray J taunted him about boning his baby momma first. It was the perfect opportunity for Yeezus to earn a little street cred. Instead, he started wearing kilts, leather sweatpants nd Lucha Libre masks in public. Go figure…

A$AP Rocky

A$AP Rocky‘s choice of uniform overshadows his ability to spit hot 16s. And by uniform, I mean ambiguous clothing & lady hairstyles. From 106 and Park’s alleged dress fiasco to the bobs, perms, and braids he rocks, A$AP seems to be hellbent on introducing unisex style into the rap community, as if we don’t have enough strikes against us already.

Kid Cudi

Simply put, every Kid Cudi song I’ve ever ~~accidentally~~ heard is him whining about being mistreated and wanting to be alone with his weed. He sounds like the perfect candidate for drug and alcohol counseling with a twist of suicide watch.

Wale

First and foremost, I refuse to call him Wah-lay. Grammatically speaking, his name is Whale, or Wail, accent be damned. Wale disguises love songs as hip and witty dance tunes, but he’s not fooling me. By the time he’s done reciting a love poem about twerking, it’s too late to turn away. He has your undivided attention and convinced you to buy flowers for your kid’s mom.

Rick Ross

Rick Ross has been lying about his law enforcement past since 50 cent exposed it. To this day, he still won’t admit that he had a good job. Rather than kick the truth to the youth, he promotes imaginary drug dealing and surprise sex. Somebody needs to tell him he doesn’t have to lie to kick it.

Wiz Khalifa

Even with his wife and child in tow, Wiz Khalifa will always be remembered for rocking pre-Dwyane Wade capri pants and blonde hi-top highlights. His laugh, which is possibly the only thing that distinguishes him from other mediocre “lyricists,” is more giggle than chuckle. Men don’t giggle, bruh.

2 Chainz

Rap music is all about the street cred these days. And there’s no faster way to lose it than fibbing about things that can be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. 2 Chainz was robbed on video, had his belongings posted to Instagram, yet still denied it ever happened. Oh yeah, the fact that his original name is Tity Boi doesn’t help either. Never trust people who replace y’s with i’s.

Dr. Dre

Andre Young is possibly the first rapper to publicly assault a female, and he’s never written a rap in his life (not that the two have anything to do with one another). In an industry where keeping it real is the standard, alleged steroid use and ghost writers usually get frowned upon, especially when you won’t admit to either. The fact that Detox was nothing more than a cruel hoax just fans the flames.

Young Berg

Young Christian Ward has (allegedly) been robbed for jewelry, beaten up, had his home invaded, and even boastfully expressed his dislike for ~~dark butts~~ Black women. Though his career is a quietly successful one, he’s still the guy whose transformer medallion went on an award tour.

J. Cole

Jermaine Cole catches a lot of flack because he’s a light-skinned rapper. But that doesn’t make him soft. What makes him soft is that – with all his rappity rap ability – all he drops are love songs. His popularity and success are solidified now and it’s the perfect time to drop some bang-bang-shoot-em-up music. Seriously, even Drake threatens other rap cats every now and then.

JoJo Simmons

Somehow, JoJo has become the 2013 version of Young Berg, with a hint of Charles Hamilton. When photos of him being harassed and manhandled by one of Juelz Santana’s unknown weed carrier went viral via Instagram, I’m willing to bet he heard nails being driven into his proverbial coffin. Whatever his pops taught him about Hip-Hop while he was growing has clearly been forgotten. Possibly because he smokes too much Kush and still gets bullied.

Find The Twinkies Nearest You!