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by Marissa Ellis

We often hear about how men love the chase. That theory comes up whenever one tries to explain why a certain male suitor loses interest after a woman gives up the goods after a first date or why when a woman makes the first move, it kind of backfires (in the end).

But this whole coveting what you can’t have is not just a male phenemonen, it’s one experienced by the ladies as well. Unfortunately, when women have that issue, the backlash is felt much more deeply. Since it’s more acceptable for men to pursue and go to great legnths to win the object of their desires, they’re not seen in a negative light for pursuing. But, they do suffer when they get what they want and still want what they can’t have. Which means they’re on to the next.

I myself have this problem. It’s agonizing actually. To want someone just because you can’t have him. What it means in my life is that I’m never satisfied with a relationship and when I’m out of a relationship, I’m stuck with experiencing crush after crush after crush. After many years of going through this, I know how dysfunctional and damaging this tendency of mine is. It was proven recently when I went out with a guy whom I had an intense crush on. Usually, I’ll keep my distance from crushes so as to maintain that feeling of yearning. This time, I guess the feelings were mutual. We went out a few times and wouldn’t you know it, I fast became disinterested. So where does that leave me? Searching for the new object of my desires and back into this cycle of agony and yearning to no end.

I’ve tried to explore what it is that makes me so dysfunctional when it comes to relationships. From reading online about this particular problem, I did discover that I do have some sort of commitment issue. Duh. But why?  I’m not sure. My parents, although not in the greatest of relationships, have been married for over 25 years. No commitment-phobes in my household.

What I do know is that I have the same problem many people have when it comes to unhappiness. And that is that I tend to compare myself to people I don’t know or to out-of-reach celebrities. I don’t compare myself to the actual couples I know but to the best couples I’ve ever met. What I’m doing now is trying to remain concious of the fact that my way of thinking is not conducive to my overall mental health. It’s a day by day process but hopefully, soon enough, I’ll break this cycle.

Have you dealt with a similar problem? How have you coped?

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