Rochester, N.Y. — Inspired by all the high-profile school bullying cases that have been in the news lately, a 37-year-old former nerd, who back in high school was known as “King of the Geeks,” is suing the school jock for extorting the nerd’s lunch money twenty-one years ago!
“Tommy Springer forced me to hand over my lunch money every day for three months,” claims Sherman Wembley, who is now CEO of Wembley Oil, a multi-national petroleum drilling consortium, headquartered just outside Huston. “I’m a billionaire, so I obviously don’t need the money,” admits Wembley. “I’m just doing this for the principle, to teach Springer a lesson, and to hopefully make the world safer for all nerds today — for all people who are different, for that matter. Just because you’re great in sports and really handsome and get all the pretty girls doesn’t mean you can pick on the less-fortunate geeks. Besides, one day one of those geeks might grow up and become successful enough to afford the very best lawyers and want payback. A lot of payback.”
Wembley is suing Springer in federal court for the $480 in lost lunch money, plus one million dollars to cover public humiliation and emotional trauma, plus a public apology. “I’m also suing Bart Bramley for “pantsing” me, Vince Ressler for hog-tying me and spraying me with shaving cream, and Gus Ferrante for superimposing a photo of my head on an explicit gay porn scene and making it the whole school’s computer screen-saver.”
