“I have seen many couples go through sexual betrayal and heal well from it. Yes, many divorce, but you and Robert love each other. He didn’t have an affair because of being unhappy with the relationship, as is often the case.”
Her professional tone felt reassuring, but it seemed to be on the other side of the world where it had no meaning to me. Could I plug myself into a list of statistics and feel better? I didn’t think so.
“I want to recommend that you go slowly in your explorations of becoming sexual again. I suggest that you read Anne Stirling Hastings’ book about how to give up the idea of whathaving sex means, and go about it differently. This can allow you to diminish the painful interaction, and create an arena for the two of you to heal your sexuality together.”
I could barely heard her words, but I did understand that she wanted to help us. “OK. What do I do? What do we do? I will read the book tonight.”
Dr. Anna smiled warmly. “It goes like this. No expectations. No goals. Just be open to sexual feelings and follow them. Sex could be nothing but kissing. If you think about moving on to another action, both of you check what you are feeling. When you tried to have sex last night, you wanted to go from kissing to intercourse, and you set out to cause Robert to have an erection. But you didn’t know what he was feeling, you didn’t know if he was ready for that. And he didn’t check in and stop you. If you talked about it, one of you would have changed the outcome.”